


See What I've Become

by sammysouffle (talesandthings)



Category: Daredevil (TV), The Defenders (Marvel TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-22 22:01:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11975916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/talesandthings/pseuds/sammysouffle
Summary: Foggy isn't dealing well with Matt's death.





	See What I've Become

**Author's Note:**

> This fic involves attempted suicide.

It didn't hit him. Not immediately. It hit him 2 weeks later in the middle of the office, while he was showing potential new recruits around the office and he overheard a conversation between two of them. 

"I don't wanna work here, man," said one of them. "All, we'll do is make these rich people richer. I wanna make a difference. Real change." 

"Making real change won't pay off our collective four hundred thousand dollars in student loans, babe," said the other. "Maybe we can do our thing when we're at a better place in life. We have to think rationally right now."

Nostalgia hit Foggy in the face like a freight train, but that's not all. It also hit him that he'll never have a conversation about morality, about anything with Matt ever again. 

A loud sob, that escaped his lips in the middle of the bullpen, scared Foggy himself. He crumbled right there amongst associates and potential new interns. 

His heart clenched painfully in his chest as he cried for his best friend for the first time since his death. 

***

He hasn't stopped since. Alcohol helps ease some of the pain. But alcohol also gives him false hope. He seeing Matt everywhere around him. It’s usually just a blurry figure hovering near Foggy while Foggy's puking his guts out in the bathroom at Josie's, or while he's on the floor of his apartment, drowning in his tears. 

It gets to the point where he starts talking to Matt. 

"I'm sorry, Matt. This is my fault," he tells the blurry figure. 

"I miss you. I miss you so much," he sobs while trying to touch his friend who isn't there and never will be. 

Out of desperation, he confesses something that he buried deep down 10 years ago and promised to never tell anyone. Especially not Matt. But Matt's dead so he can say it now. "I love you," he whispers through tear soaked eyes. Those three words sound as hollow as he feels inside. 

***

Foggy hasn't been back here. Not since he picked up Matt's suit that day, and sent him off to his ultimate demise. With a bottle of Jack in one hand and a key in the other, he tries to open the door. But he can't do it. So he stows the key away in his pocket and touches the closed wooden door one time before walking away. He doesn't leave. He finds himself climbing the stairs while taking a swig from his bottle. He doesn't feel drunk. Not yet. He doesn't stop until he reaches the roof of Matt's building. 

The cold air hits his warm body, making him a shiver just a little. There isn't much of a view from up here. Just empty buildings all around. The annoying, brightly lit billboard, illuminates part of the roof. 

Foggy stops on the edge of the roof. One wrong move and that’s a direct one-way ticket to wherever his best friend is. 

That is if he's even dead. 

Foggy started believing that the blurry images might not just be wishful thinking after all. 

He takes another long swig from the bottle, before throwing it off the building. "Maybe this is the only way to bring you out of the shadows, Matt," he whispers to himself. "Will stop me if I jumped right now, huh?" He says out into the dark night, stumbling over his words. He's not gonna do it. He keeps telling himself. He’s just trying to prove a theory. "I know you're out there, man. I can fucking feel you like some ghost lurking around. Maybe you are a ghost. Who knows. Honestly, I'll even take ghost you right now." He hiccups into his closed fist. Now, he's starting to feel the effects of the alcohol. His body feels numb. His vision is slightly blurred. "I- I can't do this anymore, Matt. It's too much. So stop playing games, and just come back already." 

Nothing. 

A sudden rush of red hot anger runs through his whole body. "Okay, you know what. Fuck it," he slurs and closes his eyes. He takes in a deep breath and sticks out his foot once again. 

This is it. 

It's just like flying. He loved playing pretend Superman with a red cape tied around his neck, as a kid. This time he could play for real. He could fly for real. 

He spreads his arms. He slides his other foot forward, letting it hang off the edge too. 

"Just like flying," he whispers to himself, as he lets his body lean out. 

A sudden tight grip on his arm makes Foggy immediately open his eyes. He's roughly pulled back, and off the edge. His yelps in pain as his side hits the concrete ground of the roof.

"I knew you would come," he mumbles to himself. 

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Counselor?" 

Foggy's heart sinks. That voice. It's not Matt. He turns around and blinks a few times to clear his vision. 

The first thing he sees is a giant skull. Not a real skull though. Just an emblem. The combat boots, the black jacket, this is definitely not Matt. As Foggy's trails his eyes upwards, his shoulders fall, and his lips press into a thin line. 

"It's just you." His heart breaks all over again when he finds Castle standing before him. 

"You didn't answer my question," the man hisses at him. "The hell do you think you were doing?" 

Foggy ignores the pain in his elbow, where he scraped it, as he scrambles off the ground, and gets on his feet. "What the hell are you doing here?" He demands. 

"Saving your life, that's what." Castle huffs. "First I find you throwing up your guts in a bar, now this." 

Foggy suddenly feels much more sober. "Wait- wait- what?" He asks, as his heart sinks to the bottom of his stomach. "That-" he pauses, swallows back a sob. "-That was you?" 

Castle shrugs at him in return. "Yeah, it was me. I know you thought it was-" 

"Matt. I thought you were Matt." Foggy whispers. "So all those things I said-" 

“-Yeah, you said them to me,” Castle replies with a shrug of his shoulders. “Sorry, Counselor.” 

Foggy feels numb and empty inside once again. The misses his bottle of Jack already. Foggy moves to sit with his back against the wall, and bring his knees up to his chest. "Why didn't you tell me?" He asks, his voice barely a whisper. 

He hears Castle sigh, and soon feels a warm body next to his on the ground. "I figured you needed to get that off your chest," Castle replies. There is a hesitance in his voice before he adds, "Because I also know how you feel." 

Foggy whips his head towards the guy so fast, he gives himself whiplash. "What?" He asks, horrified. "You too?" 

Castle sighs again and throws his head back against the wall. "That guy- he had something about him, didn't he?" 

"He- he did," Foggy answers unsurely. 

"But that don't mean, that I will try to kill myself just cause he's gone," Castle says, giving him a pointed look. "That's an insult to his memory. He wanted to save people. You know that better than I do." 

"I wasn't trying to kill myself," says Foggy. "I just- I thought he was alive. Figured putting myself in harm's way would be the best way to bring him out." 

"You were about to jump, Counselor." Castle suddenly sounds serious, and there's an indiscernible look on his face. "What if I didn't get here on time?" 

"Then my brains would be splattered on the ground right now and this pretty face wouldn't be so pretty anymore," Foggy jokes, pointing at his face. 

Castle doesn't seem to find it funny. 

"Look, I know we don't know each other-" Castle starts to say but Foggy cuts him off. 

'I already confessed my undying love for you, man. I'd say we know each other enough." 

Castle huffs in return, before saying, "I'm just trying to say that if you need someone to- talk to, Counselor, I'm all ears." 

Foggy throws his head back against the wall and a humorless laugh bubbles through his chest. "You? Wanna talk to me?" he scoffs. "Need I remind you that when you were actually supposed to talk to me, you not so kindly told me to fuck off." 

"That was different." 

"No, not really," says Foggy. "You don't trust me, I don't trust you." 

"But we both trusted Red," Castle points out. 

"So what? You wanna start the I Fell Hard for Matt Murdock support group?" 

"If it keeps you from jumping off roofs?" Castle asks. "Then sure. Why not." 

Foggy balks at him. "Why-" He takes in a deep breath before asking, "What's with this sudden interest in saving me?" 

"Because I promised Red." 

"What?" Foggy gasps. "What do you mean you promised Matt?" 

"The day before- before it happened- I got a call from Murdock. He said the path he was going on, he might not make it out alive. He knew I'd look out for Page if something happened to him, but he wanted me to look out for you too. Keep Fisk away from you." 

"Fisk?" Foggy asks, confused. "He's behind bars." 

"That doesn't mean shit," Castle huffs. "He owns Rikers. Walks around like he's the King. He's been sending people after you-" 

"Seriously? But I've been fine. I mean- I mean I haven't had anyone jump out of the shadows and try to stab me with a knife." 

"That's cause Red was looking out for you. Made sure no one got to you." 

Foggy doesn't know how he feels about that. On the one hand, he's pissed that Matt would hide this from him. Something that involves him. On the other hand, this knowledge just makes him miss his best friend even more. 

Foggy sighs and gets off the ground, brushing the dirt off his pants. "I don't need your protection, Castle. I just need my friend back." 

"He ain't coming back, Counselor." 

Foggy hears Castle say as he starts to walk away. Foggy stops in his tracks and releases a shaky breath. "Then I don't give a fuck about what Fisk does to me. Look after Karen. She needs a friend, and I can't be there for her right now." Foggy turns around to face Castle again and finds him still seated on the ground. "You had a chance to talk Matt off the ledge? Neither Karen nor I got that opportunity. Why didn't you say anything to stop him?" 

"You really think that stubborn asshole would listen to me?" 

For the first time in weeks, Foggy's lips twitch with a smile. "I guess not." 

"I'll see you around, Counselor." 

Foggy hears just as he starts to leave again. 

"I sure as hell hope not, Castle. Like I said, I don't need you," he throws over his shoulder, and slams the door shut on his way off the roof.


End file.
